Wake up your idea!

"Wake up your idea, Ivan!!" -a good friend

I think these words have been one of the best words i've heard for sometime. It might seem weird for most people, but to me, I think that these are words that I really needed to hear. Some people and friends have been asking why I seemed down and in rather low spirits and I've always managed a lousy "Oh really? No lah..." Some people stop at that but to those that probed deeper, I always came out with another excuse or I just say that I'm going through some issues and things in life. I think I really need to stop doing that. No use trying to do so much, and in the end just end up hurting yourself and the people you love the most.

I kept telling myself that I wanted to bear all the pain and keep it within me, but Psalms 38 was a passage that I came across during one of my QT sessions about a week ago. It seemed that even though I prayed about things to work out for the better, I kept thinking that God seemed so far away from all these. I realised that it was actually because I did not really want to commit the entire matter into His hands, as I kept trying to do things that would work out to my will and not His Will.

"Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee" -Psm 38:9
"Forsake me not, O Lord: O my God, be not far from me." -Psm 38:21

Ok, I shall pray more, and learn to trust in God's sovereign will. :)

"In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me" -Psm 86:7

How our worlds collided

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I
Collide

-Collide- Howie Day

Thinking back, its really funny how we found each other.... I could really see how God brought 2 people who did not even know each other, to be such good friends in such a short time... I really thank God for bringing us to meet each other... You wouldn't know how much impact you've had on me(and still do! :) ).... No matter what, I'm going to trust God on this, cos I know that HE has an ULTIMATE goal for all of us, because HE LOVES US... EACH and everyone of us... Do not ever forget that...

I'm recovering... still ok... at least, I can feel... At least, I know, I'm still ALIVE....

Getting random

Whispering soul, a lingering thought,
All is dark, and everything seems right.
Shadows,thoughts, ideas and dreams,
Come out to play, creating the scene.

The bus travels, to a place unknown,
But by faith, everything is shown.
Shadows, thoughts, ideas and dreams,
Enjoy themselves, frolicking in the scene.

The bus stops, the doors open,
Where to now? your face sullen.
Shadows, thoughts, ideas and dreams,
Settle heavily, like fog on the sea.

Suddenly all is bright,
the curtain of of reality, now lifted.
On your face, nothing but dismay,
and soon, onto the ground there your body lays.

As you can see, im getting a tad too much time on my hands. Created this i dunno what thing or rubbish from my head.... Looking at it, I think it really makes no sense... But i guess i'll just leave it here to remind myself that having too much time to think is not a good idea... Maybe also a sense of accomplishment having spent about 30 minutes thinking this thing up and putting words into it... Cheap thrill, but who cares? :)

My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God? Psm 42:3

Jaded

Yesterday was great... Thanks for that... Today was hell, thanks for that too.... I thought that everything would be ok now... Apparently the minute i saw you, i knew that something wasn't right... And i was correct... Throughout the day, almost everything we did, I could sense that something was bothering you... But you only chose to let it all out when we sat down to talk about it... I can still see it in my mind... Both of us, under the tree, outside plaza sing, me holding an empty cup of soya bean and u with the finished red bean pancake plastic bag in your hand...

Throughout the whole thing, from carl's junior right till G2000, and the bus-ride to nowhere, it seemed distant... WE seemed distant.... And when we finally talked about it, i dunno why, but i wasn't as surprised as i thought i would be... I mean, even though it was the THIRD time we're talking about it, it was still different... The raw emotions and thoughts that went through my head a thousand times faster than i could process them....

This post might or might not be taken down... It depends on how things go... Should I still pray about it?

Where is God in this? I dunno
What is His plan for this/us? I dunno
HE will bring us through it. I know...

Somehow, knowing what to do, and actually doing it, takes much greater courage than actually thought possible... Of course there's pain, but as I said just now, I've been through much worse... please take care of yourself too...

Dislocation

The following happens on the 24th of October at SISPEC SOC(Standard Obstacle Course) ground.

PTI(Physical Training Instructor) says: Ok, now you run towards the low-wall, jump onto the wall and try to hang onto the ledge and push yourself up over it.

Me: Ok, so just run and try to clear ah?

PTI: YA...

The next thing happens:
As I push myself up against the wall, my entire left elbow went backwards and there was a 'crack' sound at the shoulder joint. I immediately fell to the ground and clutched my shoulder as the whole shoulder went numb. The PTI asked if i heard a 'crack' sound, and I was like "Dey, I FELT a crack lah".

So the medic came running towards me and immobilised my entire arm and sent me to the medical centre. From there, I was sent to NUH to take x-rays to see what happened. The doctor, as well as the camp MO, initially feared that there was a posterior fracture in the shoulder. Then, the doctor said that probably have to pop the shoulder back into place and I was like "WHAT??!!! POP it back in??" Cos I know that this procedure is EXTREMELY PAINFUL, then the doctor was saying that it was ok cos she'll give me jabs to numb my shoulder first. Ya right, as if that would make me feel much better.

But thank God, as I was lying in the A&E room with a roomful of other people sick and dying and whatever not (really, that's the A&E for those who haven't been there before), just before she gave me the jabs, there was another A&E doctor with her who said that I looked rather comfortable for a guy with a fractured shoulder. So he asked my to try lifting my arm, and subsequently, shoulder, to the best that I could. Amazingly, i could move to about 50% of normal moving range, and the doctor said something like " Ok, I think this guy is really lucky. For some reason or not, his shoulder managed to re-align itself back into position." He further went on about how because I have a muscular shoulder (it wasn't me who said that, really!), the muscles helped hold the shoulder in place.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was when i heard that, I was like "so no need to pop the shoulder back in ah?" and the doctor said yeah. Thanks for all the prayers guys.... God really did take care of me i guess ;)

So now i'm given 8 days leave till thursday, friday need to go back to camp. Going to see my uncle on thursday for his opinion. Hopefully everything will go well :)

Thy kingdom come, THY will be done, on earth as it is in heaven...

sick...

Fever,flu,cough... Bleah.... Had it on sunday morning, but I decided to 'tahan' as long as I could... Apparently I couldn't and had to see MO on monday night... Had att C for three days, going back to camp in about 10 hours time... Well, I just hope that I'll be well again by sat's field camp... Excited by it, yet I keep thinking of the many not so exciting things that one might/will encounter in the jungles of Pulau Tekong...

Army life has been rather up and down so far for me... There are the plus points of getting to know so many new faces and friends, but also the negative points about knowing some of their other not so glamourous sides... I sometimes find myself in that situation too, sometimes I realise I can/might do some of the things I normally would not expect myself to do.... Whether that is good or bad, I do not know... But I just pray for wisdom and spiritual discernment to know the things that I should and should not do...

I thank God for the things that He bring me through each day... I was especially worried about my range, as I fared quite badly in the IMT simulation... But I thank a good friend who shared with me this verse... Proverbs 3: 5-6 " Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths". It was a verse I memorised and went through as I was shooting, and it did help me a lot... Even though my rifle screwed up on me 80% of the time, I did manage to pass... And I thank God for that, and I also thank you for that :)

Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps"

My mind is in overdrive

I had trouble sleeping last night, something that hasn't happened for quite some time... For those who know me, sleeping and me are like best buddies man... Not like I love to sleep a lot, but just that I can sleep anywhere anyhow most of the time... For some reason, I kept thinking of stuff, stuff that I'm not able to share, and stuff that i aint supposed to think about...

The day was good, we went to sentosa for combined yf. Just for those who missed out on the action, here's some nice stuff to see:


(a) 3 hunks and esther! woohoo all different coloured t-shirts somemore :)


(b) Julia managed to elude April's tackle by doing a step-over? or was it a shimmie? nah julia's just pro in soccer... just ask nick to elaborate :) and what's that guy in the background staring at? never see girls play soccer before huh? one kind of sad life man...


(c) ready? get set? go!!! but devon's lagging behind....


(d) got shark in the water dey!!!

well I got lots more but well, limited space lah... Maybe I couldn't sleep cos had too much fun? dunno, but i think that's really weird... im getting weird... haha... After that we had dinner at gardens with merissa, shaun, graham, elyssa, julia and me sharing one table....and Merissa broke a Snapple bottle! tsk tsk... but i managed to clean up most of the glass anyway :)

I had a great time talking to you, thanks for letting us be friends again :)